WhutsHappening

Lindsay Lohan, Hookers, and Football..What else is there?

I apologize for not writing anything for the last few weeks. The industry I work in is really much affected by the economy and Bush’s inability to regulate any fucking thing. Let me discuss my last few weeks and then move to my favorite subject which is sports.

This last weekend, I got after it…hard. Saturday was actually a pretty low key night. I went to a friend’s house in Canton then hit up probably one of the only fucking clubs in Bmore. Now look, some cities can pull off clubs, i.e. Vegas, NY, and LA, but Baltimore is too fucking ghetto and dirty to present a viable club. Anyway, my friend who has grown up as similar to an LA kid as you can from Baltimore decided to get a VIP table right next to the DJ booth. The difference between this night and any other is that Samantha Ronson was spinning at the club. Sitting next to her was the fire starter herself Lindsay Lohan. While Samantha was killing, Lilo was sitting down texting god knows who, and ripping grits. She was kind of lame and Samantha looks like a guy.

The next day, I woke up to head to my high school’s futbol game followed by going to my 5^th year reunion. We rented out Washington Tavern, which is home to cougars and 40 year old males who try to still be yuppies. After hanging out there for about 2 hours and double fisting the whole time, everyone headed to the hill where we drank for free all night at Mad River. I was shit rocked and woke up the next day in my bed with no recollection of the bad things I had done.

Sports:

The sports world has been turned upside down. First of all, I ran the Baltimore half-marathon two weeks ago in an hour and 39 minutes. For a guy who trained half as hard as anyone else I knew running it and partying twice as hard as everybody the week before, I thought I did well. While most people were going out for 10 mile and 7 mile runs, and running 20 miles a week, the most I ran at one time was 6.4 and my weeks averaged 12 miles. So enough about how fucking sweet I am. Let’s talk about the sports that really matter that the world actually cares about.

MLB

The Rays is in the position to do something that no other pro sporting has ever done; to go from the worst record in baseball to winning the world serious. If they win, their season can only be compared to the Miracle on Ice. In other MLB news, Jose Canseco apologized for everything he has done. He is seriously impotent from taking steroids, his daughter doesn’t talk to him, his marriage is ruined, and I still hate the douche bag.

Futbol:

I’m sorry for not having written about this earlier but Cristiano Ronaldo has become my hero. Anyone who has a threesome with two smoking hot hookers while having a blow party is the man. I mean the guy just knows how to live.

Football:

Is the NFC East still as strong as everyone thought? The NFC east has been dominated, but the fucking Rams. Last week, they beat the Deadskins, and this week they slaughtered the Cowboys. With the way they are going when it comes to the names of the teams that they are beating, they are going to beat the Patriots next week and they wish they had the Chief’s on their schedule.

The Tennessee Titans are not as good as their record. They barely squeaked by the Ravens and sure they beat up on the Chiefs, but the Chiefs are fucking 1-5. I mean let’s look at this team. Kerry Collins is one dry martini away from taking a flying leap off of the wagon, Alge Crumpler is washed, and Lendale White…is actually the real deal. Now Keith Bullock is a monster, but Cortland Finnegan is a late hitting bitch, and Albert Haynesworth stomped on another player’s head last year when he was not wearing a helmet. I mean that is worse then making it rain on strippers like he his old boy pacman, or LJ spitting on a girl on a club because she probably stole some money from him.

New England’s manhandling of

Denver

on Monday night should not be considered random. I mean although the Pat’s have loss one of the best QB’s in history, they are still a team that makes it deep in the playoffs every year. One player, even if it is the QB, does not make that happen every year. Plus I heard Belichik sent in a spy to steal their playbook.

Adam Jones has fucked up once again and I do not even blame him this time. Jerry Jones better screen the people he sends to act as body guards. Also, a person under the radar Matt Jones was just suspended for possession of coke. I mean come on, who gives a fuck. He was just some dude trying to fly sky high.

I feel bad for the Bengals. Let’s take a quick second to say a few positive things about them. Carson Palmer is…injured. They have the magical record of…0-6. Actually Chad Johnson scored a touchdown. Too bad he changed his name to Eight-Five instead of Eighty-Five.

The Ravens are looking strong with a win over the hapless dolphins. The Wildcat offense does not work on a team who has the best run defense in the league and those who thought that it would have some sort of effect are fucking idiots.

The Vikings-They should call Vinnie Testaverde because they need a QB. I don’t know who sucks more, Tavaris Jackson or Gus “I heart my neck celebrating a touchdown, Ferotte.

Now, I know it is early but I want to make a few predictions for the end of the season. The AFC will be shit shoot, but the Bills will end up winning it. Now on the NFC side, my bold prediction with the competitiveness of the Conference this year is the Bucs. They have a strong team that will fly under the radar.

NFL Three weeks In

Sports Around the country:

MLB

Finally the fucking Yankees lost that loving feeling and will not be in the playoffs. Let’s see how much more money they waste next year.

The Phillies secure their spot in the playoffs.

The fucking Cubs look strong and have a lot of the country secretly rooting for that team. Congratulations to the fans that have endured a lot of shit.

College Football

This week, I must say that if you think you have a way to successfully bet on college football then you are crazier then Busey. There were 6 upsets this week included the biggest two: USC’s downfall to Oregan State and Alabama blacking out Georgia. Also, Michigan’s win over Wisconsin was great as well as the pain I feel for TimTebow.

Look at the NFL.

So far it has been a hell of a season with blown calls, new division leaders, and an NFC that finally looks like it can compete with the AFC. One thing that has been dissapointing is the lack of media the Cowboys are getting themselves. Granted T.O. is saying that Mcnabb fucked up but it appears that his call-out has become as redundant as Bush talking gibberish. Look at the division leaders in th AFC: Ravens, Titans, Bills, Broncos (Which has apparently paid off the refs this year). I will also say that 4 out of the top 5 best teams in the NFL are in the NFC. So far this is my top ten power ranking:

1)Da Boys- They look better than Jessica Simpson in a Romo cut off Jersey with Daisy Dukes.

2)Packers-Sure they were out-matched by Dallas but in all honestly so are a lot of teams. Aaron Rogers has proved that he does not deserve a mailbox bomb...yet

3) Giants-They have the total package although Eli still looks like a pussy

4)Eagles- Mcnabb is back. He has thrown it on the ground less then usual. Apparently he has been eating a shit load of Chunky Soup.

5)The Bills- With a special teams that is top notch, a quarterback who is decent, and a top tier runner in Marshawn Lynch, they are an actuall force.

6) Chargers-I know they have a losing record right now, but that is what the chargers do. They play like crap the first few games then come on strong. That said Philip Rivers is a douchebag

7)Titans- Collins has been good enough at the helm since Mr. Rose Bowl Vince Young lost his mind.

8)Vikings-They have a strong rush D and a two headed nonster in Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor. It took them long enough to bench Tavaris. Let’s just hope Frerotte does not sprain his neck again during a celebration

9)Steeelers-They are a shove it down your throat team. Let’s see how they do this Monday against the Ravens.

10) Colts- All I have to say is Peyton Manning.

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Vegas the Finale

Continued from Brothers Go to Vegas: The Cave, The Guns, and the Waterslide (Part 2)

So we headed to the strip. Little did we know we were actually  going to the opening day of the topless pool bar at the Mirage. It was the same feeling Jesus gets when Christmas rolls around. So we started drinking heavily and maintained a pace that only Wade Boggs could appreciate. Red bull vodka, whiskey cokes, Incredible Hulks. We were drunk staring at the tits of young women who were most likely working in the shows. Flesh bouncing around in the shallow pool in the waning daylight as 3 stoned bros splayed out in lounge chairs almost close enough to catch a nipple in our teeth. We stayed around until we were titted out and headed to our hotel, walking down the strip drunk and happy. We made our way to the Aladdin (now the Planet Hollywood) to check in. I have to say, I liked the Aladdin but it was a B level hotel room. After checking in, we got ready and maintained the hike towards the summit. We hit the tables and started playing cards. The night before, I had won about 3 hundo. After hitting the tables for an hour that evening, I had lost about 8 hundo, which is honestly not that bad for being shit canned.

We headed back to the room to regroup and to get ready for the rest of the night. We were balls deep in Lakers game and herbalz when Ryan passed the fuck out and I was on the verge as well. Next thing, I know, Matt bounced and I passed the fuck out as well. It was probably 2 and we had continued a heavy pace throughout the day of puffs and booze and energy drinks and lots and lots of desert sun. The next morning Ryan and I had woken up in hazy mess. Our room was not as bad as Hunter’s in Fear and Loathing, but it was still covered with herb and empties and sufficiently trashed for just a few hours of actually being there. We woke up hung over and tired. This day we planned on seeing the sites in a maintained way.  It was hot as shit, I lost all of my money over an orgy of blackjack, roulette, and slots, and Ryan did not have any money to begin with. The best thing about Vegas is that there is plenty to do without money (although I would rather violate myself at Vegas’s expense).

We headed through the Aladdin and waited for a boring ass attempt at a storm. No wonder they closed the Jaffar. After we checked out and packed the car, we decided to see the sites that only the city of sin could bring. The desert was fucking hot, which makes you grateful for the creation of Las Vegas. We walked around the strip and headed inside of Caesar’s, the Paris, and watched the famous fountain at the Bellagio that can be seen in Ocean’s 11. It was on that excursion when Ryan and I started talking about all of our trips and adventures. Then it clicked. We knew people were interested in traveling and seeing the country and that nobody wants to travel like some lame out-of-towner tourist. We wanted to provide a local's POV for poor schlubs stuck at home trying to escape as well as off-the-beaten trail derelicts who were looking for a little inspiration. The we started talking about Vegas, The Good Doctor Gonzo, our wild journies and our never-ending consumption of substances, locales, and life. We knew that we would write a blog of how we saw things, a little refuge for the fucking assholes trying to leave the gapers behind. We did not see the world that everyone else did and we wanted to share out vision so people similar to us could fucking laugh there asses off while they are waiting for their Tera Patrick flick to load.

At this point we were beaten up by the heat and poor as Mike Tyson so we stopped by the McD’s and spent a sold 3 dollars between us to eat. After words, our malnourished bodies could not take any more. We were on the verge of having another Gonzo exhaustion experience. We’ll be back again to really live the Vegas dream. And when we do, we'll write it down so all you depraved lunatics can fucking read it.

K

It’s the NFC time, the conference that is like the ugly girl that makes the hot girl look hotter. I would like to start with the division that is the most competitive in the NFC. Now, I am not saying it is the best division in football, that goes to the AFC South I just think that the inter-divisional rivalry is fucking legendary.

NFC East: DA’ Boys

America’s team has an interesting twist. If America is all about ex-convicts and Hollywood then the boys are a perfect team to fit that bill with the likes of rain man Jones, Tank Man, TO, and Romo it is a team that is a heart beat from general disarray. Now their defense was the only weakness they had which they revamped with not only Jones, but also the veteran Zach Thomas who is considered one of the smartest linebackers in the league. The only big loss they really had was Julius Jones who last year proved that he was a better two man then starter, which was won by Marion Barber. They have the potential to go 14-2 since their record is overall pretty easy, but it is going to be interesting to see how consistent they are throughout the season. (Prediction 13-3)

NFC North The Fudge Packers

are going to win this Division even without Favre. The sexy pick this year to go far in NFC playoffs is the Minnesota Vikings. Sure they had a fucking dirty running game with Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor, and a decent QB in Tavaris Jackson who finally has a weapon with Bernard Berrian, but Green Bay will still win the division. Aaron Rodgers, although unproven, is going to be a good quarterback with the potential to be great, especially because he will have veteran wide receivers Greg Jennings and Donald Driver. He also has Ryan Grant, who basically came from a fucking abyss. No one knows where he came from but he will have at least 1250 rushing yards.(Prediction 11-5)

NFC South Carolina Panthers

Jake”Day light coming and me want to” Delhome. If he is even 90% they will win. He proved that last year: when he was healthy he was untouchable but he had Tommy John Surgery in the offseason. That said, not only do they have Stephen Smith who is very talented although he acts like the Incredible Hulk and apparently annoys his whole fucking team, hence the two day suspension. Honestly, so what, they have not added one, but two great receivers in DJ Hacket and Muhsin Muhammed from the Bears. Now they lost Deshaun Foster but they have DeAngelo Williams who had more touchdowns in over 100 hundred less carries. (Predictiom 10-6)

NFC West Seahawks

I will have to go with Seattle, especially since they got that dead weight known as Saun Alexander out of the town. They also have pro-bowlers Lofa Tatupu and Marcus Trufant. They have a dirty D, in my opinion, the best in the league. They also have a great young RB in Maurice Morris. (prediction 11-5)

So go make your fantasy picks, order a couple hundred buffalo wings, and kick back. It's football season, baby.

As the genius Homer Simpson said so eloquently: “Sports, sports, sports,sports”. There is almost no better time of the year than right now to be a sports fan. The baseball season is still upon us, the anticipation of the football season is building, and the Olympics are ruling the world. I recently read a blog that stated only non-sports fans enjoy the Olympics. I feel that this fucking idiot is an unpatriotic faggot who probably only watches his home team to fit in. Now he had a good point in that the majority of people who watch the Olympics do not understand some of the sports.  I had no fucking clue who played for the US Handball team, or the rules for men’s softball, but I can tell you that after watching these sports I have become knowledgeable in them. I think I have watched more of the Olympics this year then every before. I have started to see what causes a lower score in synchronizing diving and have just realized that the US men’s water polo team is playing out of their minds. I mean they just beat the number 1 team in the world. And now I will say probably one of the most amazing things that I have experienced is watching a Baltimoron become a living legend. A kid  I used to always walk by at Meadowbrook,  the pool I lived at growing up where the NBAC just happened to practice, is now the top athlete in the world. Michael Phelps is un-fucking believable. He is to swimming as David Beckham is to soccer, an ambassador to the sport that he excels in. Now all of that said, let’s talk football. I've decided to make a prediction for each division. This week I've started with the better conference AFC.

AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers

Now I know that every fucking analyst is on the nuts of the Browns. They have an explosive offense with Kellen Winslow, Derek Anderson (who the Ravens had), Jamal Lewis (Who the Ravens also had), and the addition of Dante’ Stallworth. They even tried hard to get some defensive players, but I think the Steelers will edge them out. Sure the Steelers shit the bed at the end of last season, and the loss of one of the best lineman in the league Alan Faneca hurts, but they have such a tough defense, with Troy Polamalu, a.k.a. cousin It, the beast James Farrior, and James Harrison. (Prediction 11-5)

AFC East: New England Patriots

The Super Bowl was more of a shock then Brett Favre going to the Jets. They were a team designed to be untouchable. Even if you are dense or living in a den full of Dementors then you know what happened; the unbelievable game winning drive that put a giant (pun intended) blemish on what could have been the perfect season. The only significant loses they had to endure were Asante Samuels and Donte’ Stallworth, who went to the previous team that I mentioned the Steelers. Look for them to come back with vengeance and go 14-2. I do not believe that they will go undefeated during the regular season again. (Prediction 14-2)

AFC South

I have to say that this is my biggest upset pick. The Jacksonville Jaguars will inch past the Colts this year for the AFC South title. With the lethal combination of the slicers and dicers Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew, their running game is probably untouchable. I still remember the hit that Maurice put on Shawn Merriman. Besides the running game, they have a quarterback who only threw 3 picks. The reason why they will not win the AFC is that while their offense is consistent, it is not explosive enough to beat the Pats. (Prediction 13-3)

AFC West

San Diego

The Bolts will dominate this division. The closest team will be Denver who has the young Jay Cutler, a QB who still hasn’t proven himself. They also have probably one of the most dominant secondaries in the game, with the likes of Dre Bly and Champ Bailey. That said, the Chargers are a prime team, with the hotheaded Philip Rivers at the helm who has potential to be a top quarterback if he could just play consistently. Now they lose important role players in their running game like Lorenzo “I will make snot bubbles come out of your nose” Neal, and Michael “I will never be as good as LT” Turner. They also lose a pretty decent meat stick named Marlon Mcree, who was number six in tackles. Regardless, not only does that city live in dreamland, they have a dream team to match. (prediction 11-5)

We have decided to add a section that is more prevalent in American society than any other topic. I am not talking about politics, I am talking about sports. My whole life has revolved around my sporting capabilities and my knowledge. We want to share our knowledge of sports and provide some fucking analysis of what is happening in the goddam gladiator arena.

Let’s talk about recent sports activity:

Ken Griffey Jr. is in another color. He is with the White Sox. I remember when Griffey started his career with Seattle. He was an unbelievable player. He was a dominant outfielder with the jumps of a fucking hoopster and a swing that is probably the most sound ever. He had the ability with the snap of a finger to jack a ball 480 yards. In fact, he was the only player to have ever hit the warehouse at Camden yard in the air. If he had not been injured he would have a shot as the fucking king of the jacks. In regards to baseball, remember that guy who did a lot of steroids and holds the home run record. Yea, I forget his name too...

I want to speak about this topic briefly. Brett the vet. Was seen as a Jet. It hurts me seeing him in another jersey. By no means do I care about the Packers organization, but Brett was one of those players that I always followed. Now the man has been shit on for coming back from retirement by the fucking athletic sports casters who think they can speak for him. The man has been so good because he is probably one of the most competitive people in sports history and he will do some good stuff for the Jets but it's gonna be a little depressing. Look at MJ’s days with the Wizards. Why can't anybody just retire n peace anymore - Jordan, Jay-Z, Brett. Now Favre to football does not compare to Jordan and the NBA, but he was a fucking consummately competitive person which is why he has always been amazing in the NFL. The point I’m getting to is that there are probably only 5 people alive who are as competetive as him and none of the analysts are, so they have no idea what he is going through. It's gotta hard to leave behind that adrenalin rush of being front and center in the gridiron. I mean shit, the man didn't do it for the money because he turned down 20 million to do nothing

The Olympics start tonight which is the one time when the whole world is connected to one thing other than oil, war, and hatred. I love the Olympics. These are athletes who train their whole lives and are considered the best of the best but are not multimillionaires. Yes there are some, but the majority make enough to live and feel comfortable. Their lives revolve around that one chance to win the gold. In regards to the AND 1 US team, it is going to be interesting to see how they do. I mean they are great in transition, but every play ends in a Oop, which is going to be difficult against teams who sag in and sprint back on D.

If we don't win a gold, though, Kobe better not go around blaming it on everybody else.

I’m sorry it has been awhile but I have been extremely busy. I have been trying to work my ass off due to the fact that my job is not what one would call recession proof. Therefore, I have been busting my shit so that I am not being a statistic of the downsizing.

A few weeks ago was the 4^th of July, which is a time to celebrate our freedom and basically tell the British to go fuck themselves. Throughout that week, I only had 2 ½ days of work. I got off at around 4 on Thursday and went straight to the bar. We went to

Water St.

which is a summer happy hour hub for all young

Baltimore

professionals. There is a great bar that has some how legally allows gambling for charity. So after water street and losing a few hundo we went over to

Canton

which turned out to be a drunken disaster of the 3^rd degree. We went to the bars Calladaughs and Looneys in the infamous Canton Square. I have spent many night walking around that square drunker than the Joker on four hits of chaos. That night, I passed out at my boy’s place to Tivo’d versions of The Office. I don’t care who you are,if you like the British version of the Office more than the American version than you’re a fucking idiot who needs to get your head examined. Also, you should not be allowed to celebrate the 4th.

We woke the next morning excited for the festivities. We rode to my boy Will’s place who  lives right on the water around Ellicott City. Right when we got there, we started charging. It was 11 on the 4^th and were  getting after it harder then a group of sharks swimming around a group of fat biker chicks. We got his boat ready and headed out. He has a decent fishing boat one with center console and a shitter that as turned into a closet instead of a pisser. We headed out and made anchor at Thomas’s Point, which is a light house at the mouth of his lake to wait for his parents and his uncle. We were going to tie up to them so we had to wait. Thomas’s lighthouse actually used to be a place were people could crash, which would be a pretty good place to take girl to bangout. We waited for his dad and the group of kids on his boat. There were Will’s two parents and about 8 deliquents who were two grades below me. Upon there arrival everyone notice  that a boat had caught on fire. There was a thick continuous black smoke like the smoke monster from Lost that continued to shot up. There was not a cloud in the sky, there was a gentle breeze, and it was fucking exactly where I needed to be at that time. Good company, a lot of beers, and the perfect weather.   

We finally headed around Annapolis which is a forty minute boat ride. Once there, we docked up next to my friend’s father’s boat and his uncle. We drove by The Naval Acadamy and I thought about the fact that those kids had an extremely different college lifestyle than myself. After docking next two his dad’s 30 foot boat that had a bathroom, TV, and could sleep eight, and his Uncle’s 72 foot, 3 story yacht. By 2, I was pretty wacked and gritted out. Between the shotguns, some untouchable crab dip, and boat races, we were getting after it.  There was a storm not only on the boat but also in the sky so we made our exit. We made it home right in time because a fucking epic Maryland storm hit.

Once we get in we showered, changed, and rested for the night. Will’s father cooked us a feast that consisted of chicken, rice, crab cakes, and meatballs. At around 9, we headed out into the small but historically important Annapolis. By this point, we had been drinking for ten hours so we had no right doing anything, especially going to bars. It was as dumb as Ashton Kutcher on four balloons of Nitrous.

When we into the heart of Annapolis, we  instantly reeked havoc. My friend, Tom, was threatened to be arrested after being in the town for only 5 minutes due to an infraction between him and a roadblock. The first bar we went to was the Federal House, which is a little bar in the Annapolis square. We were there for about an hour until one of my friends was manhandled and tossed out of the bar for trying to steal beer. We also kept dropping our bottles (The hand-to-eye control was off). I mean as passionate Americans who love freedom, the 4^th should be a day of free beer and no laws. The next bar we ventured to was Pusser’s, which is a big Annapolis bar. This is when the night got hazy, but I remembered a crab pretzel some tables and a shit load of people. We apparently got a cab ride back which I remembered hosting an episode of cash cab, which the driver did not seem to enjoy.

We we got back the 8 young idiots were still up drinking, which really blew my mind since it was around 3:30. I was extremely relieved to get back, since everything at that point was spinning and I had no right being out in public.

The next morning I woke up, luckily, to a hearty breakfast of eggs, bacon, and goodness. The next day, we stayed around the water mansion and drank all day. We played a epic games of shaefball which is wiffle ball with drinking involved. We fucking crushed the younger kids 14-1. That turned into a continuous drinking habit until a party erupted. I finally passed out at 4:30 it was time to call it a weekend.

I had beaten my body harder that weekend then Edward Furlough at a night in the Viper Room. The next day we woke ip, got our shit together and went to what I would call the best Taco Bell I have ever had, and I know Taco Bells. It was a great weekend, one of those type that affected me until that following Thursday. I essentially sat at work for three days with a splitting headache and a distorted speech.

Two weeks ago was Memorial Weekend. Since I finally had a much needed three day weekend, I decided to make the best of it. I decided to say fuck you to the rising gas prices and head to the beach. Ocean City Maryland blows up on this holiday weekend. The traffic is atrocious, the trash is littered throughout the town, and beach is usually over crowded. That said, I will never stop heading there until it either gets blown up by terrorists or the rising water makes it another Atlantis.

I got off of work at around 1 that day and met up with my boy GB. I drove to his house so he could drive, which is great because usually that Monday is the fucking worse time to drive. The traffic is miserable and I’m usually so dead from the bender that operating machinery is the last thing I want to do. After gassing up and waiting for his ass to get off of work, we left at 2:45.

We arrived at the beach by about 6, which wasn’t too bad seeing how it was one of the busiest times of the year in the OC. We arrived to a few beers. My boy’s brother was down as well as his dog Crooklyn. Crooklyn is a great dogger. We got a few slices from Ponzetti’s, which slings a mean pie, and headed on out. We went to Fagers Island that night and got shitrocked. Between shots of Jose, it turned out to be a sloppy bout of booze infested debauchery. For latenight we drove by Pizza Tugos. This place is known throughout OC MD as a great pizza and cheesy bread place, but the owner treats his employees like commodities. He runs a fucking sweat shop. We ran in there Friday night and started screaming in regards to the fact that he runs a fucking slave quarters. It was great.

The next day, we head down to the Pool Bar Riptide on 26th street. I have spoken of this place before. That day, we listened to the crunchy tunes of hotbox and drank Grimaces. We got ripped. We were there from 11 until about 7. We got a pie from Ponzetti’s and went to my boys uncle place where we got fucking drunk and ate some fine steaks. The character of the night was a man named Steve. This guy was an old school heroin head, a multi-millionaire, and the last surviving groupie from the band Bush.

The next day we headed out and made it to Seacrets, which is one of the biggest bars on the East Coast. This is phenomenal to see. About a thousand girls wearing nothing partying in this huge bar is great. We got drunk all day. I think I consumed about 2 pretzels and 4 hotdogs. My boy who I went to high school who now plays for the eagles showed up. He started buying shots and going crazy. It was awesome. For some reason we left and then that night we went back and got drunk again, which was a blast. That night, I experienced the most aggressive drunk driving of my entire life. With my boy Ryan driving, we drove drunk as shit about a hundred streets with the music blaring and the craziness continuing.

The next day, we woke up in a haze of the utmost ridiculousness. We waited around to watch the game and then left. The traffic was shitty and so was my headache. I eventually got home that night around 9:30. Needless to say, I was dead at work until about Thursday afternoon. It was a great weekend, one that took about 5 years out of my life.

Continued from New Zealand: South of the Northern Island

My most recent post was about my NZ trip in the southern island. On thing I forgot to include in my posting in the southern Island was a sport called dredging, which is basically riding a kickboard down class three rapids. There were a few pussies who cried during it because they were scared but I thought it was fucking badass. So any way as I promised, this is the second and final part of my trip to New Zealand. The final week consisted of traveling around the Northern Island. Now it’s going to be a little shorter due to the fact that we were not there as long. We headed up to the Northern Island for the last week. We took a small rickety plane. Usually I don't fear planes or flying, but I almost shit myself. While there, we stayed in Auckland for most of the time, which is the biggest metropolitan city in the Country, in what must have been the business district. We stayed at a hostel filled with kids of all ages from around the world, with about four people in our room. After unpacking we had the whole day to see the sights and drink. We got pretty fucked up that night and I ended hooking up with some swamp doggy from the semester abroad. The next day was our first trip, which consisted of tubing in a cave. It was actually a lot more fun than it sounds, unless you are claustrophobic. It was almost pitch black except for little creatures called glow warms. Basically the hallucigonetic (not to be confused with hallucinogenic) feces of worms glow, hence glow worms. It was like being in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. We also had to wear 4/5 wetsuits since the water was fucking freezing. The rest of the day consisted of playing beach volleyball right outside of the entrance of the water flume ride and getting some sun.

The next day, we went to see the Maoris’. The Maoris’ are the natives of the country. They also make some badass rugby players. In fact, their national Rugby team, The All Blacks, is considered one of the most elite rugby teams in the entire world, full. They are all huge and jacked, like Polynesians but darker and with smaller bellies. They also have a pretty cool culture. Walking around one of their old villages, I realized that they lived such a simple yet full life. We also got to see them sing a few of their tribal songs, beautiful harmonies from a forgotten land.

We then went back to our hostel and passed the fuck out for a few hours, the pre-game warm-up. That night we got fucking ripped. The last thing I remember was some depraved New Zealand college kid orgy we had. There were about 4 girls and 3 guys reaching and rolling around, fucking crazy Penthouse forum shit. The next day was a free day in which we got to hang out and party. One of my boys, Old Stu was in Costa Rica and decided to come to New Zealand for a few days. We met up at my hostel and got after it. We got more ripped than Keifer Sutherland behind a wheel. That night we started drinking Absinthe at 6 and didn’t stop until we woke up the next morning in his hotel. He passed out on the couch and I on the floor under some table. The next day we grabbed some grub and hung out for awhile.

That next day we went on our final trek to an area full of crazy shit, an active schedule full of random fun at NZ’s expense. The first event was Zorbing. This is when a person gets into a huge ball and gets pushed down a mountain. They even had a Zorbing course. The next thing we were supposed to do was white water rafting, but due to the fact that it rained hard the water was above a class 5. So instead of this, we got to race small go-karts and rode off wheeling around some dirt course. It was cool, sure enough, but since I can actually drive a real car dangerously fast and crash into things, go-karting nowhere near the sickness of white water rafting. The final thing we did was hang out in a random, few-ride amusement park. I went on a zero gravity machine, which is essentially a giant fan that keeps you a float. This was pretty weak since half the time I was being pushed away from the middle where the real fun is.

That night we headed to Lincoln University, which is a college in the Northern Island. It was our last night there so we ended it strong, getting properly drunk and charging it hard. The next day we woke up, got our shit together and headed out. The trip on the way back all together took 27 hours. Luckily, it was Air New Zealand or I would have been fucking pissed. NZ is a great underrated country fully of amazing sights and endless things to do. I definitely am going to go back to go skiing.

Let me try and sum up my trip to New Zealand. It was an extremely fascinating country close to the end of the world. The thing that makes it stands out is how gorgeous it truly is. It is a new country that has all of the perks of Australia but non of the negatives. The main negative characteristic that NZ does hold is Americanization. NZ is a country that is not over grown with skyscrapers and developments. It is a country that enjoys the fact that lower key. We left the Philly air port and had a stop at LAX. Since Ryan and Becca were out there, I was able to meet up with them and go to dinner. It was a nice little 6 hour get away. I made it back just in time. After getting back we headed out on Air New Zealand. The flight took about 16 hours. Luckily they hook up with a shit load of movies, games, and reading materials. I also took a full pain killers that helped me pass out. Finally we arrived in Auckland Airport, and got on another one to head down to the southern Island. Finally we arrived at our destination. We stayed a school on the out skirts of Christ church. IT was so long ago, that I forget the name of it. The worse part was we stayed there for about a week . It was a nice school, most likely a small liberal arts academy on the outskirts of a nice metropolitan. It was about a 40 dollar cab ride to and from. We spent a lot of time there, between getting drunk at the local bar and heading in Christchurch. A great bar/club that we went to was the Holy Grail, which was fucking rad. It was three loft style floors with about 10 bars. They had a redbull vodka special. 2 for five bucks. One night I had about ten of them and it felt that I was blown up George Young style. We took some trips to the beach, where I ripped up my foot while walking in a cave. We went surfing too which was ok. The surf was pretty shitty. So the rest of the time we got drunk, went on a few excursions, watched a cricket match, which is boring as shit by the way, and hung out. The weather was absolutely perfect. Looking back at it, I don’t think it rained one day the entire trip. Out next stop in the southern Island was Queenstown, which could be on of the coolest towns in the world. It reminds of a sick ski town. This is when I became a man. I went bungy jumping there three times at three different locations. The first one was off of a bridge that would dunk you in a freezing mountain lake. It was great. The next jump was off of a little cabin that overlooked Queenstown. The different thing about this was that I got to run and jump off. This one was 144 ft. The third and the largest jump was the biggest one in the southern hemisphere. It had a 440 ft drop. The set up was crazy too. Basically, you are taken over on a small gondola to a huge gondola where you jump off. It was absolutely absurd. It was located between two mountains where a river ran. It was the coolest fucking thing in the world. Our next stop was at the San Josef glacier, which is a giant iceberg in a tropical Forrest. Apparently, this was where they filmed King Kong. Anyway, it was awesome and surprisingly dangerous...thanks Global Warming. While hiking on it, we actually heard some of the iceberg break off. The next stop was on the kipler trail which is one of the most well known trails in the world. It is a two-three day event depending on how fast you want to take it. It can even be a day hike if you run it. It was 3 days for us. We hike then relax at old lodges. The first stop was the best. The first day of hiking is all uphill, which took a toll on some people. The first lodge was over the tree line and over looked water. It was fucking gorgeous. We actually found a cave and went hiking in it. We went pretty deep. It was like from the movie Descent. I thought some vampire creatures were going to attack me. The next day was a hike through Lord of Rings Country. I could see the scene happen from my own eyes. It was a pretty fucking cool sight. The second place was at the bottom and filled with blood thirsty vampire mosquitos. The final stop of the trip was down at Karaoke, I think. I’m not sure if the name is right, but we went to one of the most southern parts of NZ. We saw some albatross fly around with their big fucking wingspan and some penguins up close. We also saw a bunch of fat fucking seals. In the southern island we went Zorbing, and swimming with dolphins. It was pretty fucking rad. Plus we got drunk and partied hard when able. The next story will be about the northern Island and everything that followed.

NFC East

It’s the NFC time, the conference that is like the ugly girl that makes the hot girl look hotter. I would like to start with the division that is the most competitive in the NFC. Now, I am not saying it is the best division in football, that goes to the AFC South I just think that the inter-divisional rivalry is fucking legendary.

NFC East: DA’ Boys

America’s team has an interesting twist. If America is all about ex-convicts and Hollywood then the boys are a perfect team to fit that bill with the likes of rain man Jones, Tank Man, TO, and Romo it is a team that is a heart beat from general disarray. Now their defense was the only weakness they had which they revamped with not only Jones, but also the veteran Zach Thomas who is considered one of the smartest linebackers in the league. The only big loss they really had was Julius Jones who last year proved that he was a better two man then starter, which was won by Marion Barber. They have the potential to go 14-2 since their record is overall pretty easy, but it is going to be interesting to see how consistent they are throughout the season. (Prediction 13-3)

NFC North The Fudge Packers

are going to win this Division even without Favre. The sexy pick this year to go far in NFC playoffs is the Minnesota Vikings. Sure they had a fucking dirty running game with Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor, and a decent QB in Tavaris Jackson who finally has a weapon with Bernard Berrian, but Green Bay will still win the division. Aaron Rodgers, although unproven, is going to be a good quarterback with the potential to be great, especially because he will have veteran wide receivers Greg Jennings and Donald Driver. He also has Ryan Grant, who basically came from a fucking abyss. No one knows where he came from but he will have at least 1250 rushing yards.(Prediction 11-5)

NFC South Carolina Panthers

Jake”Day light coming and me want to” Delhome. If he is even 90% they will win. He proved that last year: when he was healthy he was untouchable but he had Tommy John Surgery in the offseason. That said, not only do they have Stephen Smith who is very talented although he acts like the Incredible Hulk and apparently annoys his whole fucking team, hence the two day suspension. Honestly, so what, they have not added one, but two great receivers in DJ Hacket and Muhsin Muhammed from the Bears. Now they lost Deshaun Foster but they have DeAngelo Williams who had more touchdowns in over 100 hundred less carries. (Predictiom 10-6)

NFC West Seahawks

I will have to go with Seattle, especially since they got that dead weight known as Saun Alexander out of the town. They also have pro-bowlers Lofa Tatupu and Marcus Trufant. They have a dirty D, in my opinion, the best in the league. They also have a great young RB in Maurice Morris. (prediction 11-5)

So go make your fantasy picks, order a couple hundred buffalo wings, and kick back. It's football season, baby.

AFC:What you need to know

As the genius Homer Simpson said so eloquently: “Sports, sports, sports,sports”. There is almost no better time of the year than right now to be a sports fan. The baseball season is still upon us, the anticipation of the football season is building, and the Olympics are ruling the world. I recently read a blog that stated only non-sports fans enjoy the Olympics. I feel that this fucking idiot is an unpatriotic faggot who probably only watches his home team to fit in. Now he had a good point in that the majority of people who watch the Olympics do not understand some of the sports.  I had no fucking clue who played for the US Handball team, or the rules for men’s softball, but I can tell you that after watching these sports I have become knowledgeable in them. I think I have watched more of the Olympics this year then every before. I have started to see what causes a lower score in synchronizing diving and have just realized that the US men’s water polo team is playing out of their minds. I mean they just beat the number 1 team in the world. And now I will say probably one of the most amazing things that I have experienced is watching a Baltimoron become a living legend. A kid  I used to always walk by at Meadowbrook,  the pool I lived at growing up where the NBAC just happened to practice, is now the top athlete in the world. Michael Phelps is un-fucking believable. He is to swimming as David Beckham is to soccer, an ambassador to the sport that he excels in. Now all of that said, let’s talk football. I've decided to make a prediction for each division. This week I've started with the better conference AFC.

AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers

Now I know that every fucking analyst is on the nuts of the Browns. They have an explosive offense with Kellen Winslow, Derek Anderson (who the Ravens had), Jamal Lewis (Who the Ravens also had), and the addition of Dante’ Stallworth. They even tried hard to get some defensive players, but I think the Steelers will edge them out. Sure the Steelers shit the bed at the end of last season, and the loss of one of the best lineman in the league Alan Faneca hurts, but they have such a tough defense, with Troy Polamalu, a.k.a. cousin It, the beast James Farrior, and James Harrison. (Prediction 11-5)

AFC East: New England Patriots

The Super Bowl was more of a shock then Brett Favre going to the Jets. They were a team designed to be untouchable. Even if you are dense or living in a den full of Dementors then you know what happened; the unbelievable game winning drive that put a giant (pun intended) blemish on what could have been the perfect season. The only significant loses they had to endure were Asante Samuels and Donte’ Stallworth, who went to the previous team that I mentioned the Steelers. Look for them to come back with vengeance and go 14-2. I do not believe that they will go undefeated during the regular season again. (Prediction 14-2)

AFC South

I have to say that this is my biggest upset pick. The Jacksonville Jaguars will inch past the Colts this year for the AFC South title. With the lethal combination of the slicers and dicers Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew, their running game is probably untouchable. I still remember the hit that Maurice put on Shawn Merriman. Besides the running game, they have a quarterback who only threw 3 picks. The reason why they will not win the AFC is that while their offense is consistent, it is not explosive enough to beat the Pats. (Prediction 13-3)

AFC West

San Diego

The Bolts will dominate this division. The closest team will be Denver who has the young Jay Cutler, a QB who still hasn’t proven himself. They also have probably one of the most dominant secondaries in the game, with the likes of Dre Bly and Champ Bailey. That said, the Chargers are a prime team, with the hotheaded Philip Rivers at the helm who has potential to be a top quarterback if he could just play consistently. Now they lose important role players in their running game like Lorenzo “I will make snot bubbles come out of your nose” Neal, and Michael “I will never be as good as LT” Turner. They also lose a pretty decent meat stick named Marlon Mcree, who was number six in tackles. Regardless, not only does that city live in dreamland, they have a dream team to match. (prediction 11-5)

Sports 101

We have decided to add a section that is more prevalent in American society than any other topic. I am not talking about politics, I am talking about sports. My whole life has revolved around my sporting capabilities and my knowledge. We want to share our knowledge of sports and provide some fucking analysis of what is happening in the goddam gladiator arena.

Let’s talk about recent sports activity:

Ken Griffey Jr. is in another color. He is with the White Sox. I remember when Griffey started his career with Seattle. He was an unbelievable player. He was a dominant outfielder with the jumps of a fucking hoopster and a swing that is probably the most sound ever. He had the ability with the snap of a finger to jack a ball 480 yards. In fact, he was the only player to have ever hit the warehouse at Camden yard in the air. If he had not been injured he would have a shot as the fucking king of the jacks. In regards to baseball, remember that guy who did a lot of steroids and holds the home run record. Yea, I forget his name too...

I want to speak about this topic briefly. Brett the vet. Was seen as a Jet. It hurts me seeing him in another jersey. By no means do I care about the Packers organization, but Brett was one of those players that I always followed. Now the man has been shit on for coming back from retirement by the fucking athletic sports casters who think they can speak for him. The man has been so good because he is probably one of the most competitive people in sports history and he will do some good stuff for the Jets but it's gonna be a little depressing. Look at MJ’s days with the Wizards. Why can't anybody just retire n peace anymore - Jordan, Jay-Z, Brett. Now Favre to football does not compare to Jordan and the NBA, but he was a fucking consummately competitive person which is why he has always been amazing in the NFL. The point I’m getting to is that there are probably only 5 people alive who are as competetive as him and none of the analysts are, so they have no idea what he is going through. It's gotta hard to leave behind that adrenalin rush of being front and center in the gridiron. I mean shit, the man didn't do it for the money because he turned down 20 million to do nothing

The Olympics start tonight which is the one time when the whole world is connected to one thing other than oil, war, and hatred. I love the Olympics. These are athletes who train their whole lives and are considered the best of the best but are not multimillionaires. Yes there are some, but the majority make enough to live and feel comfortable. Their lives revolve around that one chance to win the gold. In regards to the AND 1 US team, it is going to be interesting to see how they do. I mean they are great in transition, but every play ends in a Oop, which is going to be difficult against teams who sag in and sprint back on D.

If we don't win a gold, though, Kobe better not go around blaming it on everybody else.

Naptown on the 4th

I’m sorry it has been awhile but I have been extremely busy. I have been trying to work my ass off due to the fact that my job is not what one would call recession proof. Therefore, I have been busting my shit so that I am not being a statistic of the downsizing.

A few weeks ago was the 4^th of July, which is a time to celebrate our freedom and basically tell the British to go fuck themselves. Throughout that week, I only had 2 ½ days of work. I got off at around 4 on Thursday and went straight to the bar. We went to

Water St.

which is a summer happy hour hub for all young

Baltimore

professionals. There is a great bar that has some how legally allows gambling for charity. So after water street and losing a few hundo we went over to

Canton

which turned out to be a drunken disaster of the 3^rd degree. We went to the bars Calladaughs and Looneys in the infamous Canton Square. I have spent many night walking around that square drunker than the Joker on four hits of chaos. That night, I passed out at my boy’s place to Tivo’d versions of The Office. I don’t care who you are,if you like the British version of the Office more than the American version than you’re a fucking idiot who needs to get your head examined. Also, you should not be allowed to celebrate the 4th.

We woke the next morning excited for the festivities. We rode to my boy Will’s place who  lives right on the water around Ellicott City. Right when we got there, we started charging. It was 11 on the 4^th and were  getting after it harder then a group of sharks swimming around a group of fat biker chicks. We got his boat ready and headed out. He has a decent fishing boat one with center console and a shitter that as turned into a closet instead of a pisser. We headed out and made anchor at Thomas’s Point, which is a light house at the mouth of his lake to wait for his parents and his uncle. We were going to tie up to them so we had to wait. Thomas’s lighthouse actually used to be a place were people could crash, which would be a pretty good place to take girl to bangout. We waited for his dad and the group of kids on his boat. There were Will’s two parents and about 8 deliquents who were two grades below me. Upon there arrival everyone notice  that a boat had caught on fire. There was a thick continuous black smoke like the smoke monster from Lost that continued to shot up. There was not a cloud in the sky, there was a gentle breeze, and it was fucking exactly where I needed to be at that time. Good company, a lot of beers, and the perfect weather.   

We finally headed around Annapolis which is a forty minute boat ride. Once there, we docked up next to my friend’s father’s boat and his uncle. We drove by The Naval Acadamy and I thought about the fact that those kids had an extremely different college lifestyle than myself. After docking next two his dad’s 30 foot boat that had a bathroom, TV, and could sleep eight, and his Uncle’s 72 foot, 3 story yacht. By 2, I was pretty wacked and gritted out. Between the shotguns, some untouchable crab dip, and boat races, we were getting after it.  There was a storm not only on the boat but also in the sky so we made our exit. We made it home right in time because a fucking epic Maryland storm hit.

Once we get in we showered, changed, and rested for the night. Will’s father cooked us a feast that consisted of chicken, rice, crab cakes, and meatballs. At around 9, we headed out into the small but historically important Annapolis. By this point, we had been drinking for ten hours so we had no right doing anything, especially going to bars. It was as dumb as Ashton Kutcher on four balloons of Nitrous.

When we into the heart of Annapolis, we  instantly reeked havoc. My friend, Tom, was threatened to be arrested after being in the town for only 5 minutes due to an infraction between him and a roadblock. The first bar we went to was the Federal House, which is a little bar in the Annapolis square. We were there for about an hour until one of my friends was manhandled and tossed out of the bar for trying to steal beer. We also kept dropping our bottles (The hand-to-eye control was off). I mean as passionate Americans who love freedom, the 4^th should be a day of free beer and no laws. The next bar we ventured to was Pusser’s, which is a big Annapolis bar. This is when the night got hazy, but I remembered a crab pretzel some tables and a shit load of people. We apparently got a cab ride back which I remembered hosting an episode of cash cab, which the driver did not seem to enjoy.

We we got back the 8 young idiots were still up drinking, which really blew my mind since it was around 3:30. I was extremely relieved to get back, since everything at that point was spinning and I had no right being out in public.

The next morning I woke up, luckily, to a hearty breakfast of eggs, bacon, and goodness. The next day, we stayed around the water mansion and drank all day. We played a epic games of shaefball which is wiffle ball with drinking involved. We fucking crushed the younger kids 14-1. That turned into a continuous drinking habit until a party erupted. I finally passed out at 4:30 it was time to call it a weekend.

I had beaten my body harder that weekend then Edward Furlough at a night in the Viper Room. The next day we woke ip, got our shit together and went to what I would call the best Taco Bell I have ever had, and I know Taco Bells. It was a great weekend, one of those type that affected me until that following Thursday. I essentially sat at work for three days with a splitting headache and a distorted speech.

Celebrating the Soldiers in OCMD

Two weeks ago was Memorial Weekend. Since I finally had a much needed three day weekend, I decided to make the best of it. I decided to say fuck you to the rising gas prices and head to the beach. Ocean City Maryland blows up on this holiday weekend. The traffic is atrocious, the trash is littered throughout the town, and beach is usually over crowded. That said, I will never stop heading there until it either gets blown up by terrorists or the rising water makes it another Atlantis.

I got off of work at around 1 that day and met up with my boy GB. I drove to his house so he could drive, which is great because usually that Monday is the fucking worse time to drive. The traffic is miserable and I’m usually so dead from the bender that operating machinery is the last thing I want to do. After gassing up and waiting for his ass to get off of work, we left at 2:45.

We arrived at the beach by about 6, which wasn’t too bad seeing how it was one of the busiest times of the year in the OC. We arrived to a few beers. My boy’s brother was down as well as his dog Crooklyn. Crooklyn is a great dogger. We got a few slices from Ponzetti’s, which slings a mean pie, and headed on out. We went to Fagers Island that night and got shitrocked. Between shots of Jose, it turned out to be a sloppy bout of booze infested debauchery. For latenight we drove by Pizza Tugos. This place is known throughout OC MD as a great pizza and cheesy bread place, but the owner treats his employees like commodities. He runs a fucking sweat shop. We ran in there Friday night and started screaming in regards to the fact that he runs a fucking slave quarters. It was great.

The next day, we head down to the Pool Bar Riptide on 26th street. I have spoken of this place before. That day, we listened to the crunchy tunes of hotbox and drank Grimaces. We got ripped. We were there from 11 until about 7. We got a pie from Ponzetti’s and went to my boys uncle place where we got fucking drunk and ate some fine steaks. The character of the night was a man named Steve. This guy was an old school heroin head, a multi-millionaire, and the last surviving groupie from the band Bush.

The next day we headed out and made it to Seacrets, which is one of the biggest bars on the East Coast. This is phenomenal to see. About a thousand girls wearing nothing partying in this huge bar is great. We got drunk all day. I think I consumed about 2 pretzels and 4 hotdogs. My boy who I went to high school who now plays for the eagles showed up. He started buying shots and going crazy. It was awesome. For some reason we left and then that night we went back and got drunk again, which was a blast. That night, I experienced the most aggressive drunk driving of my entire life. With my boy Ryan driving, we drove drunk as shit about a hundred streets with the music blaring and the craziness continuing.

The next day, we woke up in a haze of the utmost ridiculousness. We waited around to watch the game and then left. The traffic was shitty and so was my headache. I eventually got home that night around 9:30. Needless to say, I was dead at work until about Thursday afternoon. It was a great weekend, one that took about 5 years out of my life.

New Zealand: North of the Southern Island

Continued from New Zealand: South of the Northern Island

My most recent post was about my NZ trip in the southern island. On thing I forgot to include in my posting in the southern Island was a sport called dredging, which is basically riding a kickboard down class three rapids. There were a few pussies who cried during it because they were scared but I thought it was fucking badass. So any way as I promised, this is the second and final part of my trip to New Zealand. The final week consisted of traveling around the Northern Island. Now it’s going to be a little shorter due to the fact that we were not there as long. We headed up to the Northern Island for the last week. We took a small rickety plane. Usually I don't fear planes or flying, but I almost shit myself. While there, we stayed in Auckland for most of the time, which is the biggest metropolitan city in the Country, in what must have been the business district. We stayed at a hostel filled with kids of all ages from around the world, with about four people in our room. After unpacking we had the whole day to see the sights and drink. We got pretty fucked up that night and I ended hooking up with some swamp doggy from the semester abroad. The next day was our first trip, which consisted of tubing in a cave. It was actually a lot more fun than it sounds, unless you are claustrophobic. It was almost pitch black except for little creatures called glow warms. Basically the hallucigonetic (not to be confused with hallucinogenic) feces of worms glow, hence glow worms. It was like being in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. We also had to wear 4/5 wetsuits since the water was fucking freezing. The rest of the day consisted of playing beach volleyball right outside of the entrance of the water flume ride and getting some sun.

The next day, we went to see the Maoris’. The Maoris’ are the natives of the country. They also make some badass rugby players. In fact, their national Rugby team, The All Blacks, is considered one of the most elite rugby teams in the entire world, full. They are all huge and jacked, like Polynesians but darker and with smaller bellies. They also have a pretty cool culture. Walking around one of their old villages, I realized that they lived such a simple yet full life. We also got to see them sing a few of their tribal songs, beautiful harmonies from a forgotten land.

We then went back to our hostel and passed the fuck out for a few hours, the pre-game warm-up. That night we got fucking ripped. The last thing I remember was some depraved New Zealand college kid orgy we had. There were about 4 girls and 3 guys reaching and rolling around, fucking crazy Penthouse forum shit. The next day was a free day in which we got to hang out and party. One of my boys, Old Stu was in Costa Rica and decided to come to New Zealand for a few days. We met up at my hostel and got after it. We got more ripped than Keifer Sutherland behind a wheel. That night we started drinking Absinthe at 6 and didn’t stop until we woke up the next morning in his hotel. He passed out on the couch and I on the floor under some table. The next day we grabbed some grub and hung out for awhile.

That next day we went on our final trek to an area full of crazy shit, an active schedule full of random fun at NZ’s expense. The first event was Zorbing. This is when a person gets into a huge ball and gets pushed down a mountain. They even had a Zorbing course. The next thing we were supposed to do was white water rafting, but due to the fact that it rained hard the water was above a class 5. So instead of this, we got to race small go-karts and rode off wheeling around some dirt course. It was cool, sure enough, but since I can actually drive a real car dangerously fast and crash into things, go-karting nowhere near the sickness of white water rafting. The final thing we did was hang out in a random, few-ride amusement park. I went on a zero gravity machine, which is essentially a giant fan that keeps you a float. This was pretty weak since half the time I was being pushed away from the middle where the real fun is.

That night we headed to Lincoln University, which is a college in the Northern Island. It was our last night there so we ended it strong, getting properly drunk and charging it hard. The next day we woke up, got our shit together and headed out. The trip on the way back all together took 27 hours. Luckily, it was Air New Zealand or I would have been fucking pissed. NZ is a great underrated country fully of amazing sights and endless things to do. I definitely am going to go back to go skiing.

New Zealand: South of the Northern Island

Let me try and sum up my trip to New Zealand. It was an extremely fascinating country close to the end of the world. The thing that makes it stands out is how gorgeous it truly is. It is a new country that has all of the perks of Australia but non of the negatives. The main negative characteristic that NZ does hold is Americanization. NZ is a country that is not over grown with skyscrapers and developments. It is a country that enjoys the fact that lower key. We left the Philly air port and had a stop at LAX. Since Ryan and Becca were out there, I was able to meet up with them and go to dinner. It was a nice little 6 hour get away. I made it back just in time. After getting back we headed out on Air New Zealand. The flight took about 16 hours. Luckily they hook up with a shit load of movies, games, and reading materials. I also took a full pain killers that helped me pass out. Finally we arrived in Auckland Airport, and got on another one to head down to the southern Island. Finally we arrived at our destination. We stayed a school on the out skirts of Christ church. IT was so long ago, that I forget the name of it. The worse part was we stayed there for about a week . It was a nice school, most likely a small liberal arts academy on the outskirts of a nice metropolitan. It was about a 40 dollar cab ride to and from. We spent a lot of time there, between getting drunk at the local bar and heading in Christchurch. A great bar/club that we went to was the Holy Grail, which was fucking rad. It was three loft style floors with about 10 bars. They had a redbull vodka special. 2 for five bucks. One night I had about ten of them and it felt that I was blown up George Young style. We took some trips to the beach, where I ripped up my foot while walking in a cave. We went surfing too which was ok. The surf was pretty shitty. So the rest of the time we got drunk, went on a few excursions, watched a cricket match, which is boring as shit by the way, and hung out. The weather was absolutely perfect. Looking back at it, I don’t think it rained one day the entire trip. Out next stop in the southern Island was Queenstown, which could be on of the coolest towns in the world. It reminds of a sick ski town. This is when I became a man. I went bungy jumping there three times at three different locations. The first one was off of a bridge that would dunk you in a freezing mountain lake. It was great. The next jump was off of a little cabin that overlooked Queenstown. The different thing about this was that I got to run and jump off. This one was 144 ft. The third and the largest jump was the biggest one in the southern hemisphere. It had a 440 ft drop. The set up was crazy too. Basically, you are taken over on a small gondola to a huge gondola where you jump off. It was absolutely absurd. It was located between two mountains where a river ran. It was the coolest fucking thing in the world. Our next stop was at the San Josef glacier, which is a giant iceberg in a tropical Forrest. Apparently, this was where they filmed King Kong. Anyway, it was awesome and surprisingly dangerous...thanks Global Warming. While hiking on it, we actually heard some of the iceberg break off. The next stop was on the kipler trail which is one of the most well known trails in the world. It is a two-three day event depending on how fast you want to take it. It can even be a day hike if you run it. It was 3 days for us. We hike then relax at old lodges. The first stop was the best. The first day of hiking is all uphill, which took a toll on some people. The first lodge was over the tree line and over looked water. It was fucking gorgeous. We actually found a cave and went hiking in it. We went pretty deep. It was like from the movie Descent. I thought some vampire creatures were going to attack me. The next day was a hike through Lord of Rings Country. I could see the scene happen from my own eyes. It was a pretty fucking cool sight. The second place was at the bottom and filled with blood thirsty vampire mosquitos. The final stop of the trip was down at Karaoke, I think. I’m not sure if the name is right, but we went to one of the most southern parts of NZ. We saw some albatross fly around with their big fucking wingspan and some penguins up close. We also saw a bunch of fat fucking seals. In the southern island we went Zorbing, and swimming with dolphins. It was pretty fucking rad. Plus we got drunk and partied hard when able. The next story will be about the northern Island and everything that followed.