WhutsHappening

Lindsay Lohan, Hookers, and Football..What else is there?

I apologize for not writing anything for the last few weeks. The industry I work in is really much affected by the economy and Bush’s inability to regulate any fucking thing. Let me discuss my last few weeks and then move to my favorite subject which is sports.

This last weekend, I got after it…hard. Saturday was actually a pretty low key night. I went to a friend’s house in Canton then hit up probably one of the only fucking clubs in Bmore. Now look, some cities can pull off clubs, i.e. Vegas, NY, and LA, but Baltimore is too fucking ghetto and dirty to present a viable club. Anyway, my friend who has grown up as similar to an LA kid as you can from Baltimore decided to get a VIP table right next to the DJ booth. The difference between this night and any other is that Samantha Ronson was spinning at the club. Sitting next to her was the fire starter herself Lindsay Lohan. While Samantha was killing, Lilo was sitting down texting god knows who, and ripping grits. She was kind of lame and Samantha looks like a guy.

The next day, I woke up to head to my high school’s futbol game followed by going to my 5^th year reunion. We rented out Washington Tavern, which is home to cougars and 40 year old males who try to still be yuppies. After hanging out there for about 2 hours and double fisting the whole time, everyone headed to the hill where we drank for free all night at Mad River. I was shit rocked and woke up the next day in my bed with no recollection of the bad things I had done.

Sports:

The sports world has been turned upside down. First of all, I ran the Baltimore half-marathon two weeks ago in an hour and 39 minutes. For a guy who trained half as hard as anyone else I knew running it and partying twice as hard as everybody the week before, I thought I did well. While most people were going out for 10 mile and 7 mile runs, and running 20 miles a week, the most I ran at one time was 6.4 and my weeks averaged 12 miles. So enough about how fucking sweet I am. Let’s talk about the sports that really matter that the world actually cares about.

MLB

The Rays is in the position to do something that no other pro sporting has ever done; to go from the worst record in baseball to winning the world serious. If they win, their season can only be compared to the Miracle on Ice. In other MLB news, Jose Canseco apologized for everything he has done. He is seriously impotent from taking steroids, his daughter doesn’t talk to him, his marriage is ruined, and I still hate the douche bag.

Futbol:

I’m sorry for not having written about this earlier but Cristiano Ronaldo has become my hero. Anyone who has a threesome with two smoking hot hookers while having a blow party is the man. I mean the guy just knows how to live.

Football:

Is the NFC East still as strong as everyone thought? The NFC east has been dominated, but the fucking Rams. Last week, they beat the Deadskins, and this week they slaughtered the Cowboys. With the way they are going when it comes to the names of the teams that they are beating, they are going to beat the Patriots next week and they wish they had the Chief’s on their schedule.

The Tennessee Titans are not as good as their record. They barely squeaked by the Ravens and sure they beat up on the Chiefs, but the Chiefs are fucking 1-5. I mean let’s look at this team. Kerry Collins is one dry martini away from taking a flying leap off of the wagon, Alge Crumpler is washed, and Lendale White…is actually the real deal. Now Keith Bullock is a monster, but Cortland Finnegan is a late hitting bitch, and Albert Haynesworth stomped on another player’s head last year when he was not wearing a helmet. I mean that is worse then making it rain on strippers like he his old boy pacman, or LJ spitting on a girl on a club because she probably stole some money from him.

New England’s manhandling of

Denver

on Monday night should not be considered random. I mean although the Pat’s have loss one of the best QB’s in history, they are still a team that makes it deep in the playoffs every year. One player, even if it is the QB, does not make that happen every year. Plus I heard Belichik sent in a spy to steal their playbook.

Adam Jones has fucked up once again and I do not even blame him this time. Jerry Jones better screen the people he sends to act as body guards. Also, a person under the radar Matt Jones was just suspended for possession of coke. I mean come on, who gives a fuck. He was just some dude trying to fly sky high.

I feel bad for the Bengals. Let’s take a quick second to say a few positive things about them. Carson Palmer is…injured. They have the magical record of…0-6. Actually Chad Johnson scored a touchdown. Too bad he changed his name to Eight-Five instead of Eighty-Five.

The Ravens are looking strong with a win over the hapless dolphins. The Wildcat offense does not work on a team who has the best run defense in the league and those who thought that it would have some sort of effect are fucking idiots.

The Vikings-They should call Vinnie Testaverde because they need a QB. I don’t know who sucks more, Tavaris Jackson or Gus “I heart my neck celebrating a touchdown, Ferotte.

Now, I know it is early but I want to make a few predictions for the end of the season. The AFC will be shit shoot, but the Bills will end up winning it. Now on the NFC side, my bold prediction with the competitiveness of the Conference this year is the Bucs. They have a strong team that will fly under the radar.

NFL Three weeks In

Sports Around the country:

MLB

Finally the fucking Yankees lost that loving feeling and will not be in the playoffs. Let’s see how much more money they waste next year.

The Phillies secure their spot in the playoffs.

The fucking Cubs look strong and have a lot of the country secretly rooting for that team. Congratulations to the fans that have endured a lot of shit.

College Football

This week, I must say that if you think you have a way to successfully bet on college football then you are crazier then Busey. There were 6 upsets this week included the biggest two: USC’s downfall to Oregan State and Alabama blacking out Georgia. Also, Michigan’s win over Wisconsin was great as well as the pain I feel for TimTebow.

Look at the NFL.

So far it has been a hell of a season with blown calls, new division leaders, and an NFC that finally looks like it can compete with the AFC. One thing that has been dissapointing is the lack of media the Cowboys are getting themselves. Granted T.O. is saying that Mcnabb fucked up but it appears that his call-out has become as redundant as Bush talking gibberish. Look at the division leaders in th AFC: Ravens, Titans, Bills, Broncos (Which has apparently paid off the refs this year). I will also say that 4 out of the top 5 best teams in the NFL are in the NFC. So far this is my top ten power ranking:

1)Da Boys- They look better than Jessica Simpson in a Romo cut off Jersey with Daisy Dukes.

2)Packers-Sure they were out-matched by Dallas but in all honestly so are a lot of teams. Aaron Rogers has proved that he does not deserve a mailbox bomb...yet

3) Giants-They have the total package although Eli still looks like a pussy

4)Eagles- Mcnabb is back. He has thrown it on the ground less then usual. Apparently he has been eating a shit load of Chunky Soup.

5)The Bills- With a special teams that is top notch, a quarterback who is decent, and a top tier runner in Marshawn Lynch, they are an actuall force.

6) Chargers-I know they have a losing record right now, but that is what the chargers do. They play like crap the first few games then come on strong. That said Philip Rivers is a douchebag

7)Titans- Collins has been good enough at the helm since Mr. Rose Bowl Vince Young lost his mind.

8)Vikings-They have a strong rush D and a two headed nonster in Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor. It took them long enough to bench Tavaris. Let’s just hope Frerotte does not sprain his neck again during a celebration

9)Steeelers-They are a shove it down your throat team. Let’s see how they do this Monday against the Ravens.

10) Colts- All I have to say is Peyton Manning.

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NFC East

It’s the NFC time, the conference that is like the ugly girl that makes the hot girl look hotter. I would like to start with the division that is the most competitive in the NFC. Now, I am not saying it is the best division in football, that goes to the AFC South I just think that the inter-divisional rivalry is fucking legendary.

NFC East: DA’ Boys

America’s team has an interesting twist. If America is all about ex-convicts and Hollywood then the boys are a perfect team to fit that bill with the likes of rain man Jones, Tank Man, TO, and Romo it is a team that is a heart beat from general disarray. Now their defense was the only weakness they had which they revamped with not only Jones, but also the veteran Zach Thomas who is considered one of the smartest linebackers in the league. The only big loss they really had was Julius Jones who last year proved that he was a better two man then starter, which was won by Marion Barber. They have the potential to go 14-2 since their record is overall pretty easy, but it is going to be interesting to see how consistent they are throughout the season. (Prediction 13-3)

NFC North The Fudge Packers

are going to win this Division even without Favre. The sexy pick this year to go far in NFC playoffs is the Minnesota Vikings. Sure they had a fucking dirty running game with Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor, and a decent QB in Tavaris Jackson who finally has a weapon with Bernard Berrian, but Green Bay will still win the division. Aaron Rodgers, although unproven, is going to be a good quarterback with the potential to be great, especially because he will have veteran wide receivers Greg Jennings and Donald Driver. He also has Ryan Grant, who basically came from a fucking abyss. No one knows where he came from but he will have at least 1250 rushing yards.(Prediction 11-5)

NFC South Carolina Panthers

Jake”Day light coming and me want to” Delhome. If he is even 90% they will win. He proved that last year: when he was healthy he was untouchable but he had Tommy John Surgery in the offseason. That said, not only do they have Stephen Smith who is very talented although he acts like the Incredible Hulk and apparently annoys his whole fucking team, hence the two day suspension. Honestly, so what, they have not added one, but two great receivers in DJ Hacket and Muhsin Muhammed from the Bears. Now they lost Deshaun Foster but they have DeAngelo Williams who had more touchdowns in over 100 hundred less carries. (Predictiom 10-6)

NFC West Seahawks

I will have to go with Seattle, especially since they got that dead weight known as Saun Alexander out of the town. They also have pro-bowlers Lofa Tatupu and Marcus Trufant. They have a dirty D, in my opinion, the best in the league. They also have a great young RB in Maurice Morris. (prediction 11-5)

So go make your fantasy picks, order a couple hundred buffalo wings, and kick back. It's football season, baby.

AFC:What you need to know

As the genius Homer Simpson said so eloquently: “Sports, sports, sports,sports”. There is almost no better time of the year than right now to be a sports fan. The baseball season is still upon us, the anticipation of the football season is building, and the Olympics are ruling the world. I recently read a blog that stated only non-sports fans enjoy the Olympics. I feel that this fucking idiot is an unpatriotic faggot who probably only watches his home team to fit in. Now he had a good point in that the majority of people who watch the Olympics do not understand some of the sports.  I had no fucking clue who played for the US Handball team, or the rules for men’s softball, but I can tell you that after watching these sports I have become knowledgeable in them. I think I have watched more of the Olympics this year then every before. I have started to see what causes a lower score in synchronizing diving and have just realized that the US men’s water polo team is playing out of their minds. I mean they just beat the number 1 team in the world. And now I will say probably one of the most amazing things that I have experienced is watching a Baltimoron become a living legend. A kid  I used to always walk by at Meadowbrook,  the pool I lived at growing up where the NBAC just happened to practice, is now the top athlete in the world. Michael Phelps is un-fucking believable. He is to swimming as David Beckham is to soccer, an ambassador to the sport that he excels in. Now all of that said, let’s talk football. I've decided to make a prediction for each division. This week I've started with the better conference AFC.

AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers

Now I know that every fucking analyst is on the nuts of the Browns. They have an explosive offense with Kellen Winslow, Derek Anderson (who the Ravens had), Jamal Lewis (Who the Ravens also had), and the addition of Dante’ Stallworth. They even tried hard to get some defensive players, but I think the Steelers will edge them out. Sure the Steelers shit the bed at the end of last season, and the loss of one of the best lineman in the league Alan Faneca hurts, but they have such a tough defense, with Troy Polamalu, a.k.a. cousin It, the beast James Farrior, and James Harrison. (Prediction 11-5)

AFC East: New England Patriots

The Super Bowl was more of a shock then Brett Favre going to the Jets. They were a team designed to be untouchable. Even if you are dense or living in a den full of Dementors then you know what happened; the unbelievable game winning drive that put a giant (pun intended) blemish on what could have been the perfect season. The only significant loses they had to endure were Asante Samuels and Donte’ Stallworth, who went to the previous team that I mentioned the Steelers. Look for them to come back with vengeance and go 14-2. I do not believe that they will go undefeated during the regular season again. (Prediction 14-2)

AFC South

I have to say that this is my biggest upset pick. The Jacksonville Jaguars will inch past the Colts this year for the AFC South title. With the lethal combination of the slicers and dicers Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew, their running game is probably untouchable. I still remember the hit that Maurice put on Shawn Merriman. Besides the running game, they have a quarterback who only threw 3 picks. The reason why they will not win the AFC is that while their offense is consistent, it is not explosive enough to beat the Pats. (Prediction 13-3)

AFC West

San Diego

The Bolts will dominate this division. The closest team will be Denver who has the young Jay Cutler, a QB who still hasn’t proven himself. They also have probably one of the most dominant secondaries in the game, with the likes of Dre Bly and Champ Bailey. That said, the Chargers are a prime team, with the hotheaded Philip Rivers at the helm who has potential to be a top quarterback if he could just play consistently. Now they lose important role players in their running game like Lorenzo “I will make snot bubbles come out of your nose” Neal, and Michael “I will never be as good as LT” Turner. They also lose a pretty decent meat stick named Marlon Mcree, who was number six in tackles. Regardless, not only does that city live in dreamland, they have a dream team to match. (prediction 11-5)

Sports 101

We have decided to add a section that is more prevalent in American society than any other topic. I am not talking about politics, I am talking about sports. My whole life has revolved around my sporting capabilities and my knowledge. We want to share our knowledge of sports and provide some fucking analysis of what is happening in the goddam gladiator arena.

Let’s talk about recent sports activity:

Ken Griffey Jr. is in another color. He is with the White Sox. I remember when Griffey started his career with Seattle. He was an unbelievable player. He was a dominant outfielder with the jumps of a fucking hoopster and a swing that is probably the most sound ever. He had the ability with the snap of a finger to jack a ball 480 yards. In fact, he was the only player to have ever hit the warehouse at Camden yard in the air. If he had not been injured he would have a shot as the fucking king of the jacks. In regards to baseball, remember that guy who did a lot of steroids and holds the home run record. Yea, I forget his name too...

I want to speak about this topic briefly. Brett the vet. Was seen as a Jet. It hurts me seeing him in another jersey. By no means do I care about the Packers organization, but Brett was one of those players that I always followed. Now the man has been shit on for coming back from retirement by the fucking athletic sports casters who think they can speak for him. The man has been so good because he is probably one of the most competitive people in sports history and he will do some good stuff for the Jets but it's gonna be a little depressing. Look at MJ’s days with the Wizards. Why can't anybody just retire n peace anymore - Jordan, Jay-Z, Brett. Now Favre to football does not compare to Jordan and the NBA, but he was a fucking consummately competitive person which is why he has always been amazing in the NFL. The point I’m getting to is that there are probably only 5 people alive who are as competetive as him and none of the analysts are, so they have no idea what he is going through. It's gotta hard to leave behind that adrenalin rush of being front and center in the gridiron. I mean shit, the man didn't do it for the money because he turned down 20 million to do nothing

The Olympics start tonight which is the one time when the whole world is connected to one thing other than oil, war, and hatred. I love the Olympics. These are athletes who train their whole lives and are considered the best of the best but are not multimillionaires. Yes there are some, but the majority make enough to live and feel comfortable. Their lives revolve around that one chance to win the gold. In regards to the AND 1 US team, it is going to be interesting to see how they do. I mean they are great in transition, but every play ends in a Oop, which is going to be difficult against teams who sag in and sprint back on D.

If we don't win a gold, though, Kobe better not go around blaming it on everybody else.